Friend Zone

I've been friends with this guy for more than a decade, and I still have a crush on him to this day.  There's attraction on both sides but we don't entertain the idea as he didn't pursue me when I'm available.  And I'm not the type who's going to tell him how I feel because I'm afraid it might strain our friendship (f****, I'm old and I still act this way.. oh, yeah, I suck), and I think it has something to do with my pride.

Whenever he say things about the girls that he checks out, I feel insecure as I usually don't match his 'credentials'.  But whenever I tell him about guys that I'm interested in, he's like caught off guard and probing about them.  I really don't get it why does he have to do it over and over again.  He's available.  I'm available.

Or maybe we're just scared?

But anyway, I told him about this other guy that I really like (and, yes, there is really another guy) and asked him on his point of view if a guy says "dude," does it automatically sends the signal that we're just friends and there's no possibility into having a more fruitful relationship than just being friends?  He said it doesn't really mean when a guy says 'dude', it sticks to just that, because he says dude to me too, which made me think, "So, you're telling me there's a possibility between us?"  But, of course, I just told it to myself.

Anyway, he said that the guy just calls me dude because he's comfortable with me, on telling me whatever and won't judge him in any other way.  And that just made me think, why always?  I mean, if these guys that I talk to rant about their girlfriends' petty stuff that kills them and other things that they really don't get (which I can't relate because I'm not that typical girl), we share things in common, we are attracted to each other, we just simply click--then why don't they pursue me instead?  I know I'm not ugly, but I don't have the standard beauty set by the society, which means I'm not a skinny bitch.  I'm average.  And they, my guy friends, reassure me that I'm really attractive, talented, easy to talk to, and smart.  But why don't they step up and I ALWAYS end up as their friend that they can talk to?

I really just don't get it.

Too bad I have so much to offer.  Their loss.

And, yes, girls do get friend-zoned too, you know.


P.S. I've collated some friend zone memes below just for kicks.  And the last one sums it all.  *Credits to all the meme creators*

The sum of it all.  Amen.

Speaking Out

Reading a book about the advantage of being an introvert and how to thrive in an extroverted world made me understand myself more.  Often misunderstood by the people around me, a friend suggested that I should come up with a personal blog that speaks my mind since I've been blogging about travel and other stuff.  I thought over it for days and I realized that that is a great idea.  It will help me speak my mind without people (extroverts) judging me instantly, shutting me out by not hearing my thoughts entirely.  Well, it's just too exhausting explaining myself to people, which, by the way, is a characteristic of a normal 'innie,' so I just let go and let them think what they want to think of me.  And since I've been dealing with anxiety attacks for years, I guess this is a great way of overcoming it with people reading what's in my mind and not just writing all these things that I think and rationalize inside my head over a journal.

This blog is my way of coming out of my shell but at the same time staying anonymous because I still fear of people misjudging me.  For now, I'd like to stay mysterious.  And I'm sure that a lot of innies out there can relate to all the stuff that I'll be posting soon, most of which will be rants because of the way I am often misunderstood.  So expect extreme cursing.  Lol.



By the way, I'm Innie Bellini.  Obviously, it's not my real name.  But I'd like you to know that I:

• keep energy inside, so I tend to be mysterious to most people.
• am always absorbed in thought, so I zone out most of the time.
• hesitate before I speak because of fear of being misunderstood or people won't find my thoughts interesting.
• avoid crowds and see quiet, but don't get me wrong, I love going to concerts and other crowded areas like gigs because it's the way it's supposed to be.  But if it's crowded in malls, parks or wherever, I loathe it.  I get drained, nauseated.  So sitting for 10 minutes will do the trick to regain my energy.
• lose sight of what others are doing.
• cautiously proceed in meeting people and participate only in selected activities that interests me and which I find logical.
• offer ideas if only people asks for it.
• get agitated without enough time alone or undisturbed.
• reflect and act in a careful way, you know, being doubtful, thinking of your intentions.
• don't show much facial expression or reaction, not unless if we're really tight.
• like to listen more than talk, so innies are more of writers/bloggers because it doesn't exhaust them to speak their minds when writing.
• tend to notice details many people don't see.
• easily remember details you say, but I'm totally bad with names and titles (songs, movies, etc).
• can feel tension in the air, whatever that may be, but I won't talk about it.
• do what I say.  Enough said.
• feel anxious if I have a deadline or pressure to finish a project.
• zone out if there's too much going on.  It's exhausting, you know.
• watch an activity first before I decide on joining it.
• form lasting relationships because I LISTEN and REFLECT before I speak.
• find it overwhelming when there are too much information, so it will take me awhile to sort it out.
• love roller coasters or anything that is thrilling.  It's the extrovert side of me.
• am creative and imaginative.  Very.  
• prefer to be introduced rather than to introduce others.
• often feel uncomfortable in new surroundings, so I tend to hide, go somewhere that no one can notice.
• like people to come to my home but I don't like them to stay too long.  It's exhausting playing the host, you know.
• find myself going blank when I meet people or when I am asked to speak unexpectedly.
• don't think of casual acquaintances as friends.
• feel as if I can't show other people my work or ideas until they are fully formulated.
• often get surprised when other people thinks that I am smarter than I think I am.

Now to the fun part, let this blog roll.


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