Friend Zone

I've been friends with this guy for more than a decade, and I still have a crush on him to this day.  There's attraction on both sides but we don't entertain the idea as he didn't pursue me when I'm available.  And I'm not the type who's going to tell him how I feel because I'm afraid it might strain our friendship (f****, I'm old and I still act this way.. oh, yeah, I suck), and I think it has something to do with my pride.

Whenever he say things about the girls that he checks out, I feel insecure as I usually don't match his 'credentials'.  But whenever I tell him about guys that I'm interested in, he's like caught off guard and probing about them.  I really don't get it why does he have to do it over and over again.  He's available.  I'm available.

Or maybe we're just scared?

But anyway, I told him about this other guy that I really like (and, yes, there is really another guy) and asked him on his point of view if a guy says "dude," does it automatically sends the signal that we're just friends and there's no possibility into having a more fruitful relationship than just being friends?  He said it doesn't really mean when a guy says 'dude', it sticks to just that, because he says dude to me too, which made me think, "So, you're telling me there's a possibility between us?"  But, of course, I just told it to myself.

Anyway, he said that the guy just calls me dude because he's comfortable with me, on telling me whatever and won't judge him in any other way.  And that just made me think, why always?  I mean, if these guys that I talk to rant about their girlfriends' petty stuff that kills them and other things that they really don't get (which I can't relate because I'm not that typical girl), we share things in common, we are attracted to each other, we just simply click--then why don't they pursue me instead?  I know I'm not ugly, but I don't have the standard beauty set by the society, which means I'm not a skinny bitch.  I'm average.  And they, my guy friends, reassure me that I'm really attractive, talented, easy to talk to, and smart.  But why don't they step up and I ALWAYS end up as their friend that they can talk to?

I really just don't get it.

Too bad I have so much to offer.  Their loss.

And, yes, girls do get friend-zoned too, you know.


P.S. I've collated some friend zone memes below just for kicks.  And the last one sums it all.  *Credits to all the meme creators*

The sum of it all.  Amen.

And They Still Use My Name

High school friends often used my name when they had gone out to party, date, or you know.  Their parents allowed them to go out when they knew they were with me.  They'll be like, "I'm going out with Innie (of course, that's not my real name)," or, "I'm still with Innie, mom."  And they will call me up at home (because I don't own a pager back then and cell phone is fairly new and I don't own one until I reached junior high) to tell me that they had gone out and told their moms that I'm with them and so on.

photo courtesy of this site

Funny, though, that people still use me as their escape from their lies.  Is it because their parents trusts me that much?  What if they got into an accident and they, the parents, will blame me?  Ugh.  I just can't understand why can't these friends of mine have the balls to just go out without involving me.  We're f-----g hitting our thirties!

An Open Letter To You

Dear You,


It was interesting to have met you and the conversation we had the last time we met.  You should be thankful that I have this much respect towards your special friend who happens to be a friend of mine for years.

Just to let you know, I do a lot of stuff to make a living (well, some of it doesn't pay good, but still, it pays my bills).  Like a lot of stuff.  Most people that I know are like, "You should try to focus on one thing and not do everything."  I'm f-----g tired of hearing these things over and over again.  I'm also tired of explaining.  Well, I can't even remember explaining myself to them because knowing that they have closed minds, why exert an effort on explaining, right?

What ticks me off are those people who I barely know (and who barely knows me as well) saying those remarks.  And, yes, I'm referring to you.

First, we are not close.  You just happen to be a "special" friend of my friend.  So that doesn't make us buds, okay?  Second, why judge me in the first place when I'm not judging you on what you do.  I do understand that it was your opinion although I don't think it is an opinion because you've been pestering me the entire dinnertime about the matter.  You're trying to control my life by saying those words--to conform with the norm.  I'm not like that.

Just so you know, I've never been much happier with my life right now.  Ever.  Yes, I don't earn that much money than I used to, but I'm way happier with the things I do and going on because I'm living my life.  I do things what I'm passionate about.  And I make a god damn use of the talents that are given to me and not shove it off like most people, like you, does.

Just to make things clear, I have a forte, because you're asking if I know what I want.  I f-----g know what I want and I'm living it right now.  But I still do well with other fields that I take--that's why I have numerous projects lining up.  And working as a freelancer is never easy.  Finding projects are one of the most difficult tasks being a freelancer.  Since I don't get to have projects on the same field every day, might as well schedule other projects of different fields that needs my skills and talents.  Again, I have to earn!  I have bills to pay.  Not unlike you who have a business going on, which I really am not in favor of, but I keep it to myself and not question you whatsoever because that's how you want to run your life and it's not my business.  So, please, do the same thing with me.

I don't know if you're just f-----g insecure about my talents.  That you are one of the most oppressed people because you didn't get to chase your own dream.  I don't know if you are just concerned because you are intending to propose a business with me.  Well, hell, no!

Questioning me about me being in a band.  You're just like mom.  It's all about the money.  You're like, "are you earning from it?"  F--k.  Don't you ever have a hobby?  An outlet to let your creative juice flowing?  An inspiration to keep you going?  All those doesn't give you money in return.  It's an investment to make you live your life.  That's why you have a f-----g job or business so you could earn!  Why include your hobby in it?  Well, if you earn from your hobby in the long run, that's great news!  Most businesses/artists that I know these days started from their hobbies.  And to let you know, when I'm inspired, I get to focus more.  So stopping me from the things I do is a no-no.  You just lost my respect.

Oh, another thing, I'm annoyed with the way you converse with people--using jargon and metaphors trying-to-impress-hey-I'm-so-intelligent-kind-of-guy shit.  F-----g use normal words that is easier to understand because most often than not, people will misunderstand with the bull you're saying.  We're not in a classroom or Downton Abbey series trying to be formal and know-it-all.

Just an advice, grow up.  You're f------g old and you don't know shit.



Regards,

Seriously, People! #1

The past few weeks has been stressful for me since I spent most of my time thinking, brewing something for my 'plans.'   I'm thinking of sharing it with you, but on the right time.  Today is too early for me to share it, I think.

Anyway, few weeks ago, I have had some interesting encounters and musings.  But let me start with LeBron James coming to the Philippines.  I'm not a basketball fan, never will, even if my future man is a great fan of it.  I will never conform to what he likes anyway because I have my own interests.  Going back, people had lined up at BGC area to get hold of free tickets to see him in the flesh at Mall Of Asia Arena.  Hmm.  Well, I think it's free, why not grab it, right?  I think I'd do the same thing if it's my favorite band or artist who will come over and the admission is f*****g free.  And I guess I'm just not really a fan of this basketball star.

But what's my point?  My Facebook newsfeed is full of updates on his presscon, which reminded me that I should unsubscribe from this news network that posts crap about nonsense.  Yes, it's nonsense to me.

Then the same newsroom posted a status:

 LeBron James: I can't believe this is my first time here. It's definitely not my last.

Why on earth ask the same f****** question to every celebrity that comes over in our precious country?  Of course, they will, obviously, say f****** good things about our country, or the capital on this matter because, first, that's what we want to hear, and second, they want to have a good image to their fans.  Why make it on the news?  But I have absolutely no problem with him (and other celebs) saying the exact same thing over and over again if they really mean it.  It's just that I find it very cliche.  I actually commend those couple of celebrities who were blunt about their stay here in the Philippines, and they, eventually, got banned from our precious country because of the sensitivity of Filipinos.  Us, in general, can't accept criticisms.  Blech.  That's why our nation doesn't grow.

--

I just went to a gig the other night.  I've been around the music scene for so long and I'm the type who's a fan of some artists that I get the chance to meet in person due to my work but don't get to ask for a photo or an autograph.  Why?  Well that's because I can totally feel (and know) that MOST artists doesn't like too much attention when they're offstage.  They can't move as much as they want to because they spend most of their time for photo ops.  They can't smoke alone because they're bombarded with crazy fans.  They can't internalize before they go onstage because of the fans, again.  But I'm not saying they are not willing to spend time for those shit.  It's just that let them approach you first, talk to you guys, say hi or smile towards your group, which is the clear signal that they are up for meet-and-greet and not the other way around.  Or the best way for them to talk to you is to treat them like a normal person, not a die-hard weirdo fan that will freak them out.  After all they're just like us, they just have these great talents.

And, yes, innies are really sensitive to tensed environment or what's going on even though no one's speaking.  We observe, a lot.  So our job is to pacify things or give some space towards the person involved.

Flirts In A Different Way

Just to make it clear, I'm not a born flirt.  When a guy starts flirting with me and if I find him interesting, I turn like a stone, heart beats fast, and I have a difficulty in breathing.  I often don't look straight in the eye too.  It's like I'm having an episode of my usual anxiety attack.  Why?  Because I don't know how to flirt back like you outies usually do.  I find the situation surprising and overwhelming.  So what I usually do is I look like I don't notice him flirting--more like apathetic to the situation.  That's why I'm having a difficulty in dating!

But it is totally different if the guy is not my type.  I can be upfront or get sarcastic, or just make an excuse so I could leave the scene.  I know it's bad.  But what can I do, he's just not my type.  If I get too nice, it will send him the wrong signal.  Believe me, I've been too kind to almost every guy friends/acquaintances I'm with and it sent the wrong message to them so they were hitting on me, which is not cool.  So I'm still learning not to be too nice.

photo grabbed from www.mrwallpaper.com

I caught myself asking people how to flirt back because, obviously, the guy that I like didn't get any feedback from me through his flirting ways.  Of course, they've been telling me to be touchy or say something flirty, which I can't do.  It's really not me and I think it will turn out awkward.  Then I reflected on it for weeks and concluded that I do flirt, but in a very subtle way that you outies (extroverts) won't notice.  And some even say it's more like a friendzoned way.

My way of flirting is to know the person with more depth by inviting him to something or join a social activity.  The presence of the people that I know or trust helps me loosen up, which will show his real personality in return (which is my real intention in the first place).  But, as usual, I get rejected maybe because they don't want to socialize while being with me and with some friends, or they are not interested at all.  I don't know.  So when my invitation gets rejected, I walk away and pretend nothing happened.  Innies are very good in keeping their true emotions to themselves.  We get hurt a lot, you know, but we don't show it.  We usually have a poker face, and so they think that we're strong, but it's really killing us inside.

Besides inviting the guy that I like, I also remind him of the things he mentioned in the past, that usually surprises him.  Innies are known to be great listeners, and when I'm way interested with that particular person, I remember almost every single word that he says.

I also bring trinkets or food that he likes whenever we meet, but I always make an excuse that I have extra servings/stock of it so I thought of bringing some along, et cetera, making it subtle and not being too flirty, because I hate being flirty.  It disgusts me.  But, of course, I still get misunderstood.

Friends do ask why I do such acts if I know deep inside that it will never occur to the guy that I'm flirting with him.  Well, it's simply the way I am.  I don't express much of my feelings with that particular person at this stage.  But when I've reached that level of comfort and trust in him, that's when I'll be expressing myself entirely.

Just a piece of advice to all outies who are interested with innies, just ask them out and stop beating around the bush because it will keep us thinking what your real intention is.  We appreciate people who are upfront.

Sigh.  I guess it will be a lifetime struggle for me when it comes to dating.  Wish me luck!

Speaking Out

Reading a book about the advantage of being an introvert and how to thrive in an extroverted world made me understand myself more.  Often misunderstood by the people around me, a friend suggested that I should come up with a personal blog that speaks my mind since I've been blogging about travel and other stuff.  I thought over it for days and I realized that that is a great idea.  It will help me speak my mind without people (extroverts) judging me instantly, shutting me out by not hearing my thoughts entirely.  Well, it's just too exhausting explaining myself to people, which, by the way, is a characteristic of a normal 'innie,' so I just let go and let them think what they want to think of me.  And since I've been dealing with anxiety attacks for years, I guess this is a great way of overcoming it with people reading what's in my mind and not just writing all these things that I think and rationalize inside my head over a journal.

This blog is my way of coming out of my shell but at the same time staying anonymous because I still fear of people misjudging me.  For now, I'd like to stay mysterious.  And I'm sure that a lot of innies out there can relate to all the stuff that I'll be posting soon, most of which will be rants because of the way I am often misunderstood.  So expect extreme cursing.  Lol.



By the way, I'm Innie Bellini.  Obviously, it's not my real name.  But I'd like you to know that I:

• keep energy inside, so I tend to be mysterious to most people.
• am always absorbed in thought, so I zone out most of the time.
• hesitate before I speak because of fear of being misunderstood or people won't find my thoughts interesting.
• avoid crowds and see quiet, but don't get me wrong, I love going to concerts and other crowded areas like gigs because it's the way it's supposed to be.  But if it's crowded in malls, parks or wherever, I loathe it.  I get drained, nauseated.  So sitting for 10 minutes will do the trick to regain my energy.
• lose sight of what others are doing.
• cautiously proceed in meeting people and participate only in selected activities that interests me and which I find logical.
• offer ideas if only people asks for it.
• get agitated without enough time alone or undisturbed.
• reflect and act in a careful way, you know, being doubtful, thinking of your intentions.
• don't show much facial expression or reaction, not unless if we're really tight.
• like to listen more than talk, so innies are more of writers/bloggers because it doesn't exhaust them to speak their minds when writing.
• tend to notice details many people don't see.
• easily remember details you say, but I'm totally bad with names and titles (songs, movies, etc).
• can feel tension in the air, whatever that may be, but I won't talk about it.
• do what I say.  Enough said.
• feel anxious if I have a deadline or pressure to finish a project.
• zone out if there's too much going on.  It's exhausting, you know.
• watch an activity first before I decide on joining it.
• form lasting relationships because I LISTEN and REFLECT before I speak.
• find it overwhelming when there are too much information, so it will take me awhile to sort it out.
• love roller coasters or anything that is thrilling.  It's the extrovert side of me.
• am creative and imaginative.  Very.  
• prefer to be introduced rather than to introduce others.
• often feel uncomfortable in new surroundings, so I tend to hide, go somewhere that no one can notice.
• like people to come to my home but I don't like them to stay too long.  It's exhausting playing the host, you know.
• find myself going blank when I meet people or when I am asked to speak unexpectedly.
• don't think of casual acquaintances as friends.
• feel as if I can't show other people my work or ideas until they are fully formulated.
• often get surprised when other people thinks that I am smarter than I think I am.

Now to the fun part, let this blog roll.


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